1

There was a young fellow from Dallas
Who enjoyed doing things with his phallus.
So many tricks did he try
It became, by and by,
Little more than a leather-tough callous. 1943

2

There was a young fellow named Bream
Who never had dreamt a wet dream,
For when lacking a whore
He'd just bore out the core
Of an apple and fuck it through cream. 1941

3

A Chinese chef named Chang
Made dishes of unusual tang.
He stirred his wok
With the head of his cock
'Til oyster sauce poured from his wang.

4

There was a young fellow named Perkin
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
His wife said, "Now, Perkin,
Stop jerkin' your gherkin:
You bastard,You're shirkin' your ferkin'!" 1938

5

There was a young girl from Peru
Who badly wanted to screw.
She tried a broom-handle
And the end of a candle,
But threw them away for a Jew. 1946

6

Winter is here with his grouch,
The time when you sneeze and slouch.
You can't take your women
Canoein' or swimmin',
But a lot can be done on a couch. 1927

7

Here's to it, and through it, and to it again,
To suck it, and screw it, and screw it again!
So in with it, out with it,
Lord work his will with it!
Never a day we don't do it again! 1880

8

Said Einstein, "I have an equation
Which science might call Rabelaisian.
Let P be virginity
Approaching infinity,
And U be a constant, persuasion."

"Now if P over U be inverted
And the squarre root of U be inserted
X times over P,
The result, Q.E.D.
Is a relative," Einstein asserted. 1947

9

A Roman of old named Horatio
Was fond of a form of fellatio.
He kept accurate track
Of the girls he'd attack,
And called it his cock-sucking ratio. 1943

10

There once was a clergyman's daughter
Who detested the pony he bought her
Till she found that its dong
Was as hard and as long
As the prayers her father had taught her.

She married a fellow named Tony
Who soon found her fucking the pony.
Said he, "What's it got,
My dear, that I've not?"
Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." 1941

11

There were three ladies of Huxham,
And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em,
And when that game grows stale
We sits on a rail,
And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. 1870

12

There was a young girl named Maxine
Who found a new use for the bean.
As a vaginal bearing
She found it long-wearing,
And it varied her fucking routine. 1941

13

There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her heels in the doorway.
She said to her beau,
"Hey, look at me, Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way." 1952

14

There was a young fellow of Kent
Whose prick was so long it was bent,
So to save himself trouble
He put it in double,
And instead of coming he went. 1927

15

There was a young man of Coblenz
The size of whose balls was immense.
One day, playing soccer,
He sprung his left knocker,
And kicked it right over the fence. 1941

16

Unique is a strumpet of Mazur
In the way that her clientele pays her:
A machine that she uses
Clamps on to her whoosis,
And clocks everybody that lays her. 1941

17

There was a young couple named Kelly
Who had to live belly to belly,
Because once, in their haste,
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly. 1938

18

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What *Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice to be blown. 1998

*serial bomber

19

Van Gogh found a whore who would lay,
And accept a small painting as pay.
"Vive l' Art!" cried Van Gogh,
"But it's too fucking slow---
I wish I could paint ten a day!" 1941

20

There once was an artist named Thayer
Who was really a cubist for fair.
He looked all his life
To find him a wife
Possessed of a cunt that was square. 1952

21

A virgin felt urged in Toulouse
Till she thought she would try sef-abuse.
In search of a hard on
She ran out in the garden,
And was had by a statue of Zeus.1942

22

In the quaint English village of Worcester
Lived a little red hen and a rooster.
A coquettish glance
She acquired in Framce
Gave him ants in his pants, and he goosed her. 1944

23

There was a young fellow named Gluck
Who found himself shit out of luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don't give a fuck. 1941

24

There was a young man named McNamiter
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
But it wasn't the size
Gave the girls a surprise,
But his rhythm---iambic pentameter. 1946

25

A cowhand way out in Seattle
Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
He said, "No, I can't fuck
A lamb or a duck,
But golly! it just fits the cattle." 1944

26

There was a young girl from Seattle
Who got her kicks sucking off cattle,
'til a bull from the South
Popped a load in her mouth
That made both her ovaries rattle.

27

There was a young caveman named Ug
Who stuck his plug in a jug.
Said Ug with a shrug
As he gave it a tug,
"Now ain't this a hell of a fug!" 1944

28

There was a young man from Dundee
Who cornholed an ape in a tree.
The results were most horrid,
All ass and no forehead,
Three balls and a purple goatee.

29

Don't pity the wife of Old Lot,
Who was frozen to salt on the spot;
'Cause she sure got a kick
When the the cows came to lick
At her highly salacious big twat.